ups and downs.

lets start with positive since my previous posts have been slightly morose.

i made almost 400 dollars in the last two days of work and i still have one more day left of work! im not writing this to brag but rather just rejoice in the fact i can breathe without the stress of money looming over me. God DOES provide and give us only what we need. and im so happy that He loves me.

ive had some issues the last few days of work with a manager due to a complaint made about me. story: regular who is friends with the owner..doesn't respect the fact that i have 9 other tables and as i am taking an order from another table he yells "thirsty". and he keeps yelling it..anyways long story short he texts the owner saying im too slow.. mind you it was a saturday night..and im not only responsible for the bar drinks, i am responsible for server drinks, 11 tables and a 14 chair bartop. so tonight i decided to go to my manager and tell them that i did nothing wrong that night and that i value and take my job seriously , etc.. defintely opened eyes.

moving has to be the worst thing ever to do..time consuming, messy and time consuming.ya thats about if for that subject.

im making some nice girlfriends....and most i dont have anything in common with..so i am back at square one. although i have two i frequently hang out with on a pretty normal basis.

i know i have said this before but honestly id like to be more social. however, i feel as though God has made me become more introverted in the last year so i can get my act together and finish school. sound weird? maybe. but i find myself thinking this more frequently than not.

my cat cant meow..no joke. i have no idea why. but im hoping i can still keep her.

im finding myself struggling with oh so familiar emotions that i have been desperately trying to fight off. i hate that i feel the way i do sometimes or question or even the thoughts i have. why i feel this way and the way i feel about some just astounds me.

im beginning to realize..YES beginning to realize that i am a person who needs acceptance. as we all do, but more me. i feel like its my upbringing and past experiences that make me feel this way...but i very much want that feeling. ugh pathetic i know.

lastly, my relationship is becoming smoother..kinks getting worked out. i am just afraid that i will feel one way and think its al great but behind my back its not..past experiences suck. i need to have a little more faith..

this blog is not only a novel but absolute emotion vomit!

i keep telling myself.."one day" ..and one day it will be better.
and one day ill wake up and this will be worth it. all of it.
ill know the feeling..and feel it.
life is in the details and i will dissect every portion.
and until the "one day" comes, ill bury my compassion until its time to freely give it.

bummed would be an understatement of how i feel, and felt the last 36 hours. i hope it doesnt last much longer.

one fight shouldn't change the effort. things were fine before. one fight shouldn't change that. especially a petty fight, not even worthy of fighting.
i just want to be loved the way i deserve to be loved and i want to love you the way you deserve to be love. only fair. do not be discourage and change the way things were. we moving in the right direction..a better direction. we werent quite there but we were on the way.



on another note, i find people to be so disrespectful of others. i hate seeing it and i wish i could do something about it, but sometimes its better for me to mind my own business.

ive been wanting to go out more lately, be more social. the only time i ever go out is when i go to church or work. sometimes a hang out here and there...but im mostly home studying. i guess i have to deal with this because this is my life as of now. i keep telling me that its worth it and staying on top of my class is as well. plus, the people who go out all the time dont have my course load or my goals. each to their own. sometimes i envy it and want to take the easy road and be lazy. but my future looks better than jeopardizing it now and not having that future. however, i do want to go out a little more.

this time of the year is typically my favorite time of the year but lately im dreading it because im not sure what ill be doing. i love this time of the year and i want someone and some people to share that excitement with me. its looking really bleak.

naturally.

all a girl wants is to be pursued. nothing less.
i can not tell you why,but it is truly what a girl wants.
and for some reason, it makes the girl feel beautiful.
i used to think this was bogus, but now i see it.
and i want it.

and the rough week comes to an end.

i've had enough bad surprises this month im ready for a good one, maybe a cute one. im just ready for a good one.

i feel better today than yesterday. i just want something good to happen today so everything else is meaningless and everything else i mean the negative ive encountered this week.

instead of sadness and worry yesterday, i want happiness running through my veins today.

i make no sense. even to myself.

worrying is the worst emotion..and so is insecurites..add a little self doubt..those emotions all suck. they are damaging when mixed together. that right there has explained the last 48 hours for me. im beginning to recover but those emotions really wear me out. im exhausted and i feel like i have finally ran into door. horrible analogy for a dead end but so it goes.

here is the long list plaguing my mind currently:
-i wish i could stop visualizing it. and it i mean the moment where my feelings and honoring me went down the drain.
-i wish the horrible feeling in my stomach would go away whenever the person is mentioned or the above mentioned is thought about again.
-i wish i could stop worrying that the effort will cease and i will be left heartbroken..because for once- i found someone capable of that..and right now i couldnt handle that.
-i wish i could go with my gut instinct all the time knowing that i have myself a great guy who is going to do the above mentioned. and that he isnt going anywhere this time around.
- i wish i could chill the fuck out sometimes.
- i wish my hair would freakin grow already,
-i wish i was a little smarter.
- i wish i had someone to come home to...like a family.
-i wish i could have that sense of family i really long for, the one most people take for granted everyday.
-i wish i worked ONE more shift a week to be able to enjoy life outside the confines of my house.
-i want to hang out with a group of friends without alcohol being present.
-i wish i could have more friends i could trust being around my boyfriend and now they are positive influences on him and us.
-i want to rock climb.
-i want my cat to let me sleep in ..instead of waking me up early.
- iwant to go a day without wanting to slap her, and im thankful for amazing self-control tonight..thank you god!

there are so many more on this, more personal that i have to list but wont.

i am thankful i have charlie. she is so cute but a huge butt!

i wish i could be better with my words so you can understand me better, understand how i tick so you know why i get the way i do.
at this point i want to let it go and i want to be close.

swallow hard.

it's like the game jenga. you build your tower sturdy and do it carefully. each piece is a new piece of info. the next thing you know you have 5, 6, 7 pieces gone..but its alright because you are standing right? all it takes is the wrong piece and the wrong move for you to come crumbling down. it'll take rebuilding and reconstructing in the methodical way..and before you know the resilience is there.
i want to cry but laugh because it is so clearly pathetic. not my part.
i want to hurt them like i have but then i want to be hugged by him.
i want to hate because i am so angry but i want to love because that is what i am good at.

i just want to be hugged against my will and i want it to last.


this will be something hard to swallow...and 5 months is still a cut and this lie is just salt in my wound.