i make no sense. even to myself.

worrying is the worst emotion..and so is insecurites..add a little self doubt..those emotions all suck. they are damaging when mixed together. that right there has explained the last 48 hours for me. im beginning to recover but those emotions really wear me out. im exhausted and i feel like i have finally ran into door. horrible analogy for a dead end but so it goes.

here is the long list plaguing my mind currently:
-i wish i could stop visualizing it. and it i mean the moment where my feelings and honoring me went down the drain.
-i wish the horrible feeling in my stomach would go away whenever the person is mentioned or the above mentioned is thought about again.
-i wish i could stop worrying that the effort will cease and i will be left heartbroken..because for once- i found someone capable of that..and right now i couldnt handle that.
-i wish i could go with my gut instinct all the time knowing that i have myself a great guy who is going to do the above mentioned. and that he isnt going anywhere this time around.
- i wish i could chill the fuck out sometimes.
- i wish my hair would freakin grow already,
-i wish i was a little smarter.
- i wish i had someone to come home to...like a family.
-i wish i could have that sense of family i really long for, the one most people take for granted everyday.
-i wish i worked ONE more shift a week to be able to enjoy life outside the confines of my house.
-i want to hang out with a group of friends without alcohol being present.
-i wish i could have more friends i could trust being around my boyfriend and now they are positive influences on him and us.
-i want to rock climb.
-i want my cat to let me sleep in ..instead of waking me up early.
- iwant to go a day without wanting to slap her, and im thankful for amazing self-control tonight..thank you god!

there are so many more on this, more personal that i have to list but wont.

i am thankful i have charlie. she is so cute but a huge butt!

i wish i could be better with my words so you can understand me better, understand how i tick so you know why i get the way i do.
at this point i want to let it go and i want to be close.