one of the only good things ive taken from my mom was this....she always told me if you had to go around and convince someone youre a really good person...then you really need to check yourself. your actions alone are what define you..maybe you can go through life bull-shitting but it will catch up..actions in the end conquer. masks are taken off...then what?

ill hope from a distance.

some people are lost..some people will never grow up..some will always stay in the same spot in life...and as much as i want to help..i wont anymore. some people just need to fall straight on their asses and experience life..REALLY experience it from an uncomfortable stand point. but ill make damn sure i will never let it affect me ever again, not like it used to.

i really just want to move away. maybe im dramatic....but distance from everything would be great. maybe a extended vacation.
im regretting alot of things right now.
and living with regret is unfulfilling.

wow.

really, all i can say right now is "wow". my little sister is engaged...now PREGNANT! im just blown away..both my sisters are pregnant and due early fall. i spent most of yesterday upset...but then i realized...thats what God had in store for her. today im still in shock still havent gotten used to that idea quite yet.
i can help but to feel bummed. shes my little sister...i am supposed to be doing this before her...of course when i am ready and the person i love is as well. but still...by laws of nature it should be me first. i dont know my head cant fully grasp it yet.

i have so much on my plate right now, big things that i cant control, even though i want to be able to. i feel like right now if i focus on less serious things that maybe i wont lose it.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

i cannot fathom how people can be so emotionally involved and literally over night be so placid.
i pity those people. i never want to be like that. at least i know when i say i love someone unconditionally, it really is.
i pity those people who give up, those who jump to the next thrill...to the next and so on and so forth.
what an empty life to lead. although, it may not catch up to you now it most certaintly will later...when it really counts.
those kind of people will never know true happiness and they will regret the foolish decisions they make so swiftly now later.
this sort of affirmation makes my pain subside a little.
i feel like i am growing and it hurts to see me growing past a few that i really care about. its like those escalator walk way things at the airport. you see people not on them walking, although they are walking you are walking much faster..the next thing you know you are ahead of them and they are a distance behind you. i hate this feeling. i know i must continue on growing but i dont want to see someone i care about stagnant.
lately, im averaging about one panic attack a day. i couldnt even really tell you why. i have a gut feeling somethings not right. few things dont measure up.
..and i really need a care.

good news: ill be helping promote and work at christian concerts like spirit west coast and joshuafest..as well as typical concerts. its a great opportunity and its something i dont want to miss out on. traveling, free concerts and meeting some awesome christian people. ya defintely dont want to miss out on that!

oh, what a week! oh and what a week this week will be! ugh! not even looking forward to it. only bits and pieces of it.
my mom and i are done. i stood up for myself which is really hard for me to do...but i did it! yaaaaa! it just sucks it had to cost me a relationship...maybe one day she will be the adult and mother i need.

i wish i could wake up tomorrow and trust everyone and know their intentions are pure. but i know life isnt like that and i have been lied to way too many times for me to be so easy going abou that. i believe trust should be earned not just expected-which i feel some people expect. i want to find someone or have someone in my life step up and show me what it is to have someone honest in my life and who by action shows me what i am really worth and that i deserve honesty.

i know i mention this all the time but it annoys me so much..girls! stop parading yourselves as whores! maybe my words arent ice but im so tired of seeing girls in thongs or bras taking self portraits in front of mirrors..what kind of attention do you want? ya guys eyes will turn because they are visual BUT wheres the respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

this video puts a smile on my face! it will be on the list of youtube videos i watch when i get sad.



i like second chances, i believe everyone should get them...and i think everyone should appreciate it.

church tonight was rough. anytime hearing the story of christ crucifixation always breaks my heart...what a thing to go through!


i am fully aware when i write i have the tendency to leave out words because my brain is faster than my typing but tonight im tooooo lazy to proof read.

the grass ISN'T greener on the other side...

i still have no car and that is so awesome....not.
im thankful for the friends who are really there for me, giving me rides, making me go out and hang out, the ones who just want to be around me and listen.
its easy to separate the people who say they are my friends versus the ones who are my friends.
God really has humbled me, especially this week..He is showing me my strengths and my weaknesses.
life isnt easy for me and im definitely not one to give up when things get hard giving me more perseverance than anyone else i know. not to sound conceited but its true. i see so many people who have hurdles and just give up...and not just continue and make it work. people, life is hard but you cant just give up and take the easy route for everything! (this pertains to no one in particular, but rather for a group of people i have seen this occur with-so were clear.)
anything in life whether its school, family, relationships, work, etc... the more you work to overcome struggles the more its worth it. you gain insight, strength and overall appreciation for it. dont give up on anything.
i am constantly being surrounded by people either at home,school and church...that im seeing what i want and what i definitely dont want. this past week i have seen some messy and some beautiful things.... life is messy and life is beautiful. im happy for that. everything isnt supposed to be happy all the time...its ok for it to be messy at times.
never ever in my life would i have thought id be pursued or even appeal to people. although right now im not interested because id like to work something else out, it is definitely flattering. i am trying to so hard to not think the worse right now but its hard. its hard to interpret peoples intentions and know they are good (their intentions). its hard to not compare, not to assume and not think i am being made a fool of. simply put i am concerned if whether if you are waiting for something better to come along and see if the grass is truly greener on the other side. its hard not to think that maybe im no longer appealing to him mentally and physically and that he is out looking for that. but i have a few people remind me daily that i am really a great catch...im faithful, loving, unconditional, sweet, caring...(im going to stop building myself up here) but you get the point. i am not a temporary person.i know deep down if he cant see it now he WILL regret it later. i know this to be true. the grass isnt greener on the other side....dont take me for granted..ever.

well thats all i will really convey on here everything else is too personal to post.

somethings gotta give...

its definitely time for a change...and for it to occur now.
im quite the resilient one, or so i have been told. lets see it be true now..in this avenue of my life currently.
all actions must meet their words or they are nothing but air.
on a side note..trust is earned not given but there are times where the grey area prevails and it must be applied. i really feel like im such a trusting person..too trusting in the past and i feel like my trust in anyone is weary. i just want a fresh start and i want what i deserve. not complaining nor whining but i know i do.
lately, ive gotten some sort of wind of confidence blowing my way and its nice. i dont know where the hell it came from but im riding it for sure.



http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090121/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_executive_pay


although i didnt vote for him, i should have but he still won nonetheless. he is making some changes that really is inspiring and genuinely for the good of people. im praying he can be all that he said he wants to be.

liars and the lies they tell.

i had lunch with ms wade this past week and lets just say that woman can really put things into perspective, especially in regards to relationships. she doesnt sugar-coat anything...she said things i didnt want to hear but glad i did. now, i just have to figure out whether to follow it.which she strongly encouraged i should.

soo ive met some pretty awesome musicians in the last week who have the most beautiful souls ever and whats even better they sing for the lord. way cool. they are playing a show on thursday in which i will most definitely be attending and they even asked me to play the violin for them! i dont think i can do that..but what a great thing to be offered. they are going to roadtrip to cornerstone this summer and they want me to come with them and play. oh man!

yesterday was a great day. i spent the day in pismo and avila. hadnt been to pismo since, well, since with him.it was just nice to get away.

God has really revealed so much to me....and its painful but still amazing. i just wish i could be taken seriously by some people and not taking advantage of my heart.

irrelevant

i think this whole situation really has revealed a lot to me.
1. people dont take me seriously
2. im beginning to see who my real friends are(sounds cliche, but ever so true)
3. some guys are plain out relentless!
4.i really like math now..weird
5. and i know what i want.

i'm not that person.

all i have in my mind right now are questions and i really need answers soon. i really feel like everything i had is being taken away from me and i dont think i deserve it. im typically a fighter personality and can get back up when a situation arises and knocks me down...but i feel defeated and want to give up all together. whats the use at this point?
i feel as though the people ive let myself feel vulnerable with are people who do not know what it is to Love someone selflessly.
i used to think that sort of thing existed but maybe i was wrong. maybe i over idealized it all together. maybe love is only conditional but if that were the case why would i love people unconditionally. im still in utter shock of yesterdays events and the one person i chose to go to is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.
i wish i could just turn my emotions off like that and just be cold and indifferent towards him.just like that. i wish i could do that to make him feel unwanted, unloved and useless to me like he is doing to me, like his feelings dont phase me and that i do not care what happens or what we had. but i cant because im human...and im someone who has a heart for people like that. how can you just switch like that..one day being loving and the next indifferent.
i must not be worthy of having some sort of happiness and being loved back..not even by my family.

i am not that girl who feels sorry for herself and in an attempt to not sound mildy melodramatic...i am down really down and life isnt great at the moment. i just want to feel some sort of comfort.


but now today, worst than the rest, i get to figure out something on my own thats bigger than him, bigger than my family...and bigger than myself.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within...

how can one person who has invested themselves fully and whole-heartedly in love for another not be allowed the next day to act upon that?
God gave me these feelings for a reason, what am i supposed to do with them now? bottle them up?
He gave me this heart to share with someone and God is a sovereign God, he wouldnt give me these feelings for no reason.
i wish someone could give me the answers, and tell me that to keep loving isnt foolish.

is it really that hard to appreciate whats in front of you?

if nothing is good enough for you now, it never will be... you will miss out on opportunities that could blossom into something great when given great care, or continue to mistreat it and it will wither away. then one day you will wish you would of handled with care.

first and foremost..happy new year!

last weekend i decided to NOT make any resolutions because if i couldnt keep them then i'd be really hard on myself for that..and i dont need to add that on my list. i decided to make goals for myself...and they are realistic!

i really hope this year is better than the last because it was by far one of the worst years of my life. but there were highlights so dont get me wrong but im defintely excited to see it go. the only thing i learned this year is that im a huge push over with too much of a heart. this year, i want to be treated as i deserve and guard my heart. that is my only goal for this year other than do well in school and have fun, its to guard my heart.

well, thats it for now...