i'm not that person.

all i have in my mind right now are questions and i really need answers soon. i really feel like everything i had is being taken away from me and i dont think i deserve it. im typically a fighter personality and can get back up when a situation arises and knocks me down...but i feel defeated and want to give up all together. whats the use at this point?
i feel as though the people ive let myself feel vulnerable with are people who do not know what it is to Love someone selflessly.
i used to think that sort of thing existed but maybe i was wrong. maybe i over idealized it all together. maybe love is only conditional but if that were the case why would i love people unconditionally. im still in utter shock of yesterdays events and the one person i chose to go to is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.
i wish i could just turn my emotions off like that and just be cold and indifferent towards him.just like that. i wish i could do that to make him feel unwanted, unloved and useless to me like he is doing to me, like his feelings dont phase me and that i do not care what happens or what we had. but i cant because im human...and im someone who has a heart for people like that. how can you just switch like that..one day being loving and the next indifferent.
i must not be worthy of having some sort of happiness and being loved back..not even by my family.

i am not that girl who feels sorry for herself and in an attempt to not sound mildy melodramatic...i am down really down and life isnt great at the moment. i just want to feel some sort of comfort.


but now today, worst than the rest, i get to figure out something on my own thats bigger than him, bigger than my family...and bigger than myself.