i really just want to move away. maybe im dramatic....but distance from everything would be great. maybe a extended vacation.
im regretting alot of things right now.
and living with regret is unfulfilling.

wow.

really, all i can say right now is "wow". my little sister is engaged...now PREGNANT! im just blown away..both my sisters are pregnant and due early fall. i spent most of yesterday upset...but then i realized...thats what God had in store for her. today im still in shock still havent gotten used to that idea quite yet.
i can help but to feel bummed. shes my little sister...i am supposed to be doing this before her...of course when i am ready and the person i love is as well. but still...by laws of nature it should be me first. i dont know my head cant fully grasp it yet.

i have so much on my plate right now, big things that i cant control, even though i want to be able to. i feel like right now if i focus on less serious things that maybe i wont lose it.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

i cannot fathom how people can be so emotionally involved and literally over night be so placid.
i pity those people. i never want to be like that. at least i know when i say i love someone unconditionally, it really is.
i pity those people who give up, those who jump to the next thrill...to the next and so on and so forth.
what an empty life to lead. although, it may not catch up to you now it most certaintly will later...when it really counts.
those kind of people will never know true happiness and they will regret the foolish decisions they make so swiftly now later.
this sort of affirmation makes my pain subside a little.
i feel like i am growing and it hurts to see me growing past a few that i really care about. its like those escalator walk way things at the airport. you see people not on them walking, although they are walking you are walking much faster..the next thing you know you are ahead of them and they are a distance behind you. i hate this feeling. i know i must continue on growing but i dont want to see someone i care about stagnant.
lately, im averaging about one panic attack a day. i couldnt even really tell you why. i have a gut feeling somethings not right. few things dont measure up.
..and i really need a care.

good news: ill be helping promote and work at christian concerts like spirit west coast and joshuafest..as well as typical concerts. its a great opportunity and its something i dont want to miss out on. traveling, free concerts and meeting some awesome christian people. ya defintely dont want to miss out on that!

oh, what a week! oh and what a week this week will be! ugh! not even looking forward to it. only bits and pieces of it.
my mom and i are done. i stood up for myself which is really hard for me to do...but i did it! yaaaaa! it just sucks it had to cost me a relationship...maybe one day she will be the adult and mother i need.

i wish i could wake up tomorrow and trust everyone and know their intentions are pure. but i know life isnt like that and i have been lied to way too many times for me to be so easy going abou that. i believe trust should be earned not just expected-which i feel some people expect. i want to find someone or have someone in my life step up and show me what it is to have someone honest in my life and who by action shows me what i am really worth and that i deserve honesty.

i know i mention this all the time but it annoys me so much..girls! stop parading yourselves as whores! maybe my words arent ice but im so tired of seeing girls in thongs or bras taking self portraits in front of mirrors..what kind of attention do you want? ya guys eyes will turn because they are visual BUT wheres the respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

this video puts a smile on my face! it will be on the list of youtube videos i watch when i get sad.



i like second chances, i believe everyone should get them...and i think everyone should appreciate it.

church tonight was rough. anytime hearing the story of christ crucifixation always breaks my heart...what a thing to go through!


i am fully aware when i write i have the tendency to leave out words because my brain is faster than my typing but tonight im tooooo lazy to proof read.

the grass ISN'T greener on the other side...

i still have no car and that is so awesome....not.
im thankful for the friends who are really there for me, giving me rides, making me go out and hang out, the ones who just want to be around me and listen.
its easy to separate the people who say they are my friends versus the ones who are my friends.
God really has humbled me, especially this week..He is showing me my strengths and my weaknesses.
life isnt easy for me and im definitely not one to give up when things get hard giving me more perseverance than anyone else i know. not to sound conceited but its true. i see so many people who have hurdles and just give up...and not just continue and make it work. people, life is hard but you cant just give up and take the easy route for everything! (this pertains to no one in particular, but rather for a group of people i have seen this occur with-so were clear.)
anything in life whether its school, family, relationships, work, etc... the more you work to overcome struggles the more its worth it. you gain insight, strength and overall appreciation for it. dont give up on anything.
i am constantly being surrounded by people either at home,school and church...that im seeing what i want and what i definitely dont want. this past week i have seen some messy and some beautiful things.... life is messy and life is beautiful. im happy for that. everything isnt supposed to be happy all the time...its ok for it to be messy at times.
never ever in my life would i have thought id be pursued or even appeal to people. although right now im not interested because id like to work something else out, it is definitely flattering. i am trying to so hard to not think the worse right now but its hard. its hard to interpret peoples intentions and know they are good (their intentions). its hard to not compare, not to assume and not think i am being made a fool of. simply put i am concerned if whether if you are waiting for something better to come along and see if the grass is truly greener on the other side. its hard not to think that maybe im no longer appealing to him mentally and physically and that he is out looking for that. but i have a few people remind me daily that i am really a great catch...im faithful, loving, unconditional, sweet, caring...(im going to stop building myself up here) but you get the point. i am not a temporary person.i know deep down if he cant see it now he WILL regret it later. i know this to be true. the grass isnt greener on the other side....dont take me for granted..ever.

well thats all i will really convey on here everything else is too personal to post.