i still have no car and that is so awesome....not.
im thankful for the friends who are really there for me, giving me rides, making me go out and hang out, the ones who just want to be around me and listen.
its easy to separate the people who say they are my friends versus the ones who are my friends.
God really has humbled me, especially this week..He is showing me my strengths and my weaknesses.
life isnt easy for me and im definitely not one to give up when things get hard giving me more perseverance than anyone else i know. not to sound conceited but its true. i see so many people who have hurdles and just give up...and not just continue and make it work. people, life is hard but you cant just give up and take the easy route for everything! (this pertains to no one in particular, but rather for a group of people i have seen this occur with-so were clear.)
anything in life whether its school, family, relationships, work, etc... the more you work to overcome struggles the more its worth it. you gain insight, strength and overall appreciation for it. dont give up on anything.
i am constantly being surrounded by people either at home,school and church...that im seeing what i want and what i definitely dont want. this past week i have seen some messy and some beautiful things.... life is messy and life is beautiful. im happy for that. everything isnt supposed to be happy all the time...its ok for it to be messy at times.
never ever in my life would i have thought id be pursued or even appeal to people. although right now im not interested because id like to work something else out, it is definitely flattering. i am trying to so hard to not think the worse right now but its hard. its hard to interpret peoples intentions and know they are good (their intentions). its hard to not compare, not to assume and not think i am being made a fool of. simply put i am concerned if whether if you are waiting for something better to come along and see if the grass is truly greener on the other side. its hard not to think that maybe im no longer appealing to him mentally and physically and that he is out looking for that. but i have a few people remind me daily that i am really a great catch...im faithful, loving, unconditional, sweet, caring...(im going to stop building myself up here) but you get the point. i am not a temporary person.i know deep down if he cant see it now he WILL regret it later. i know this to be true. the grass isnt greener on the other side....dont take me for granted..ever.
well thats all i will really convey on here everything else is too personal to post.
paris
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
somethings gotta give...
its definitely time for a change...and for it to occur now.
im quite the resilient one, or so i have been told. lets see it be true now..in this avenue of my life currently.
all actions must meet their words or they are nothing but air.
on a side note..trust is earned not given but there are times where the grey area prevails and it must be applied. i really feel like im such a trusting person..too trusting in the past and i feel like my trust in anyone is weary. i just want a fresh start and i want what i deserve. not complaining nor whining but i know i do.
lately, ive gotten some sort of wind of confidence blowing my way and its nice. i dont know where the hell it came from but im riding it for sure.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090121/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_executive_pay
although i didnt vote for him, i should have but he still won nonetheless. he is making some changes that really is inspiring and genuinely for the good of people. im praying he can be all that he said he wants to be.
im quite the resilient one, or so i have been told. lets see it be true now..in this avenue of my life currently.
all actions must meet their words or they are nothing but air.
on a side note..trust is earned not given but there are times where the grey area prevails and it must be applied. i really feel like im such a trusting person..too trusting in the past and i feel like my trust in anyone is weary. i just want a fresh start and i want what i deserve. not complaining nor whining but i know i do.
lately, ive gotten some sort of wind of confidence blowing my way and its nice. i dont know where the hell it came from but im riding it for sure.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090121/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_executive_pay
although i didnt vote for him, i should have but he still won nonetheless. he is making some changes that really is inspiring and genuinely for the good of people. im praying he can be all that he said he wants to be.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
liars and the lies they tell.
i had lunch with ms wade this past week and lets just say that woman can really put things into perspective, especially in regards to relationships. she doesnt sugar-coat anything...she said things i didnt want to hear but glad i did. now, i just have to figure out whether to follow it.which she strongly encouraged i should.
soo ive met some pretty awesome musicians in the last week who have the most beautiful souls ever and whats even better they sing for the lord. way cool. they are playing a show on thursday in which i will most definitely be attending and they even asked me to play the violin for them! i dont think i can do that..but what a great thing to be offered. they are going to roadtrip to cornerstone this summer and they want me to come with them and play. oh man!
yesterday was a great day. i spent the day in pismo and avila. hadnt been to pismo since, well, since with him.it was just nice to get away.
God has really revealed so much to me....and its painful but still amazing. i just wish i could be taken seriously by some people and not taking advantage of my heart.
soo ive met some pretty awesome musicians in the last week who have the most beautiful souls ever and whats even better they sing for the lord. way cool. they are playing a show on thursday in which i will most definitely be attending and they even asked me to play the violin for them! i dont think i can do that..but what a great thing to be offered. they are going to roadtrip to cornerstone this summer and they want me to come with them and play. oh man!
yesterday was a great day. i spent the day in pismo and avila. hadnt been to pismo since, well, since with him.it was just nice to get away.
God has really revealed so much to me....and its painful but still amazing. i just wish i could be taken seriously by some people and not taking advantage of my heart.
Friday, January 16, 2009
irrelevant
i think this whole situation really has revealed a lot to me.
1. people dont take me seriously
2. im beginning to see who my real friends are(sounds cliche, but ever so true)
3. some guys are plain out relentless!
4.i really like math now..weird
5. and i know what i want.
1. people dont take me seriously
2. im beginning to see who my real friends are(sounds cliche, but ever so true)
3. some guys are plain out relentless!
4.i really like math now..weird
5. and i know what i want.
Monday, January 12, 2009
i'm not that person.
all i have in my mind right now are questions and i really need answers soon. i really feel like everything i had is being taken away from me and i dont think i deserve it. im typically a fighter personality and can get back up when a situation arises and knocks me down...but i feel defeated and want to give up all together. whats the use at this point?
i feel as though the people ive let myself feel vulnerable with are people who do not know what it is to Love someone selflessly.
i used to think that sort of thing existed but maybe i was wrong. maybe i over idealized it all together. maybe love is only conditional but if that were the case why would i love people unconditionally. im still in utter shock of yesterdays events and the one person i chose to go to is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.
i wish i could just turn my emotions off like that and just be cold and indifferent towards him.just like that. i wish i could do that to make him feel unwanted, unloved and useless to me like he is doing to me, like his feelings dont phase me and that i do not care what happens or what we had. but i cant because im human...and im someone who has a heart for people like that. how can you just switch like that..one day being loving and the next indifferent.
i must not be worthy of having some sort of happiness and being loved back..not even by my family.
i am not that girl who feels sorry for herself and in an attempt to not sound mildy melodramatic...i am down really down and life isnt great at the moment. i just want to feel some sort of comfort.
but now today, worst than the rest, i get to figure out something on my own thats bigger than him, bigger than my family...and bigger than myself.
i feel as though the people ive let myself feel vulnerable with are people who do not know what it is to Love someone selflessly.
i used to think that sort of thing existed but maybe i was wrong. maybe i over idealized it all together. maybe love is only conditional but if that were the case why would i love people unconditionally. im still in utter shock of yesterdays events and the one person i chose to go to is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.
i wish i could just turn my emotions off like that and just be cold and indifferent towards him.just like that. i wish i could do that to make him feel unwanted, unloved and useless to me like he is doing to me, like his feelings dont phase me and that i do not care what happens or what we had. but i cant because im human...and im someone who has a heart for people like that. how can you just switch like that..one day being loving and the next indifferent.
i must not be worthy of having some sort of happiness and being loved back..not even by my family.
i am not that girl who feels sorry for herself and in an attempt to not sound mildy melodramatic...i am down really down and life isnt great at the moment. i just want to feel some sort of comfort.
but now today, worst than the rest, i get to figure out something on my own thats bigger than him, bigger than my family...and bigger than myself.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within...
how can one person who has invested themselves fully and whole-heartedly in love for another not be allowed the next day to act upon that?
God gave me these feelings for a reason, what am i supposed to do with them now? bottle them up?
He gave me this heart to share with someone and God is a sovereign God, he wouldnt give me these feelings for no reason.
i wish someone could give me the answers, and tell me that to keep loving isnt foolish.
God gave me these feelings for a reason, what am i supposed to do with them now? bottle them up?
He gave me this heart to share with someone and God is a sovereign God, he wouldnt give me these feelings for no reason.
i wish someone could give me the answers, and tell me that to keep loving isnt foolish.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
is it really that hard to appreciate whats in front of you?
if nothing is good enough for you now, it never will be... you will miss out on opportunities that could blossom into something great when given great care, or continue to mistreat it and it will wither away. then one day you will wish you would of handled with care.
if nothing is good enough for you now, it never will be... you will miss out on opportunities that could blossom into something great when given great care, or continue to mistreat it and it will wither away. then one day you will wish you would of handled with care.
first and foremost..happy new year!
last weekend i decided to NOT make any resolutions because if i couldnt keep them then i'd be really hard on myself for that..and i dont need to add that on my list. i decided to make goals for myself...and they are realistic!
i really hope this year is better than the last because it was by far one of the worst years of my life. but there were highlights so dont get me wrong but im defintely excited to see it go. the only thing i learned this year is that im a huge push over with too much of a heart. this year, i want to be treated as i deserve and guard my heart. that is my only goal for this year other than do well in school and have fun, its to guard my heart.
well, thats it for now...
last weekend i decided to NOT make any resolutions because if i couldnt keep them then i'd be really hard on myself for that..and i dont need to add that on my list. i decided to make goals for myself...and they are realistic!
i really hope this year is better than the last because it was by far one of the worst years of my life. but there were highlights so dont get me wrong but im defintely excited to see it go. the only thing i learned this year is that im a huge push over with too much of a heart. this year, i want to be treated as i deserve and guard my heart. that is my only goal for this year other than do well in school and have fun, its to guard my heart.
well, thats it for now...
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