keep this on the back of your mind.

...and sometimes you realize silver is just gray on really good day.






love.love.love.

without the risk of being let go, being held means nothing.

..and then, as if the constant power struggle weren’t enough on it’s own, we had made decisions that had push us back even further. decisions that leave us out in the cold when we both know what kind of warmth we’re missing on the inside. to me, there’s more to you than the eye meets but i can’t and probably will never be able to fully drop the guard i keep so well preserved. well for now, im a work in progress its a goal im trying to reach so desperately. you tell me to fold but trust me, this is a good hand.. i was born with a cloudy head but perfect vision, and i know everything there is to know about just a few things. while you tell me to forget it all, i am quite apprehensive yet i know youre it.through this all, this is what i want. new. new for us. i learn that you’re one of the few things i know everything about. now you should fold. because i’m all in.
im taking these moments as an opportunity, not to make you mine,
but to make myself
yours. im yours. :)

i will love you regardless of what you do.
until you do it.
to me.


i am hopeful, for the first time in months.
you're making me incredibly happy. its nice to have more good days then bad.
doubt you read this; but if you do.... i love you.



love.love.love.

...

i found some sketchbooks[ from freshman year of high school, good god!] going through boxes today and i found this...needless to say i aced honors english and that was by far my favorite project of high school with the exception of my painting and piano class.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."




so im pretty sure ray lamontagne has the beautiful and unique voice in the whole wide world...a little raspy but his lyrics are beautiful and sometimes romantic, most of the time not..regardless,he is fun to listen to.




love.love.love.

alright!

for this real this time...im going to do this. i failed, so madly! oh man!
a few other improvements i want to add to the list..:
not being so gullible! meaning NOT hanging on to every word.

today a friend sat me down and told me that although its good to work on these, its who i am..a caring person who always puts others first. it just makes me prone to being a door mat.

i just wish i could somehow juggle it...i am just a sensitive person......and i HATE it!


lighter note...moving and organizing this weekend..plus my sisters are coming into town which is most defintely needed. i miss my family so much already and its been a week.



love.love.love.

Day#1...slightly unsuccessful.

i'm hurt. i know i say i was on the quest to take things less seriously and it was sort of that way but i did hit a few bumps on the way. i am way to over-protective of people, but i need to learn to let things come as they may..as well learn to be more protective of myself. i let myself be vulnerable and because i do that-i get hurt. today, i woke up in a sad mood. i just have to say grief works in mysterious ways. i just wish i had a room of my own to just lock myself in and be me. instead, im stuck on a couch...my car stuffed with my life and a storage full of crap. school starts in a week and i am in no way ready to start and be so unorganized.


love.love.love

Tomorrow, or Today Technically.

I am WAY to freakin serious all the time.
i need to let loose, or some would say "let your hair down".
i need to find a balance between being serious yet still not taking EVERYTHING too seriously.
i am 21 years old, i need to laugh more, experience more...i need to be young and not so adult like.
i am extremely too responsible, to a fault!.

therefore, tomorrow or today technically is day #1 of being "less" serious and enjoy more.
more to come, i suppose.





love.love.love.

ugh!

i officially moved back to Clovis as of today....i didnt think i was going to be this sad about leaving orange county. it was so hard to leave my little sisters and my mom. it was the first time i allowed myself to cry in front of my sisters. now i just want to hurry up and be done with nursing school so i can be with them again. i hate this.

im slowly feeling the grief of losing him, its so weird. i just wish it could be this overwhelming wave and be done..instead its slow.





love.love.love.