one of the only good things ive taken from my mom was this....she always told me if you had to go around and convince someone youre a really good person...then you really need to check yourself. your actions alone are what define you..maybe you can go through life bull-shitting but it will catch up..actions in the end conquer. masks are taken off...then what?

ill hope from a distance.

some people are lost..some people will never grow up..some will always stay in the same spot in life...and as much as i want to help..i wont anymore. some people just need to fall straight on their asses and experience life..REALLY experience it from an uncomfortable stand point. but ill make damn sure i will never let it affect me ever again, not like it used to.

i really just want to move away. maybe im dramatic....but distance from everything would be great. maybe a extended vacation.
im regretting alot of things right now.
and living with regret is unfulfilling.

wow.

really, all i can say right now is "wow". my little sister is engaged...now PREGNANT! im just blown away..both my sisters are pregnant and due early fall. i spent most of yesterday upset...but then i realized...thats what God had in store for her. today im still in shock still havent gotten used to that idea quite yet.
i can help but to feel bummed. shes my little sister...i am supposed to be doing this before her...of course when i am ready and the person i love is as well. but still...by laws of nature it should be me first. i dont know my head cant fully grasp it yet.

i have so much on my plate right now, big things that i cant control, even though i want to be able to. i feel like right now if i focus on less serious things that maybe i wont lose it.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

im relying on hope now...because without it id be falling apart right now.

i cannot fathom how people can be so emotionally involved and literally over night be so placid.
i pity those people. i never want to be like that. at least i know when i say i love someone unconditionally, it really is.
i pity those people who give up, those who jump to the next thrill...to the next and so on and so forth.
what an empty life to lead. although, it may not catch up to you now it most certaintly will later...when it really counts.
those kind of people will never know true happiness and they will regret the foolish decisions they make so swiftly now later.
this sort of affirmation makes my pain subside a little.
i feel like i am growing and it hurts to see me growing past a few that i really care about. its like those escalator walk way things at the airport. you see people not on them walking, although they are walking you are walking much faster..the next thing you know you are ahead of them and they are a distance behind you. i hate this feeling. i know i must continue on growing but i dont want to see someone i care about stagnant.
lately, im averaging about one panic attack a day. i couldnt even really tell you why. i have a gut feeling somethings not right. few things dont measure up.
..and i really need a care.

good news: ill be helping promote and work at christian concerts like spirit west coast and joshuafest..as well as typical concerts. its a great opportunity and its something i dont want to miss out on. traveling, free concerts and meeting some awesome christian people. ya defintely dont want to miss out on that!