somethings gotta give...

its definitely time for a change...and for it to occur now.
im quite the resilient one, or so i have been told. lets see it be true now..in this avenue of my life currently.
all actions must meet their words or they are nothing but air.
on a side note..trust is earned not given but there are times where the grey area prevails and it must be applied. i really feel like im such a trusting person..too trusting in the past and i feel like my trust in anyone is weary. i just want a fresh start and i want what i deserve. not complaining nor whining but i know i do.
lately, ive gotten some sort of wind of confidence blowing my way and its nice. i dont know where the hell it came from but im riding it for sure.



http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090121/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_executive_pay


although i didnt vote for him, i should have but he still won nonetheless. he is making some changes that really is inspiring and genuinely for the good of people. im praying he can be all that he said he wants to be.

liars and the lies they tell.

i had lunch with ms wade this past week and lets just say that woman can really put things into perspective, especially in regards to relationships. she doesnt sugar-coat anything...she said things i didnt want to hear but glad i did. now, i just have to figure out whether to follow it.which she strongly encouraged i should.

soo ive met some pretty awesome musicians in the last week who have the most beautiful souls ever and whats even better they sing for the lord. way cool. they are playing a show on thursday in which i will most definitely be attending and they even asked me to play the violin for them! i dont think i can do that..but what a great thing to be offered. they are going to roadtrip to cornerstone this summer and they want me to come with them and play. oh man!

yesterday was a great day. i spent the day in pismo and avila. hadnt been to pismo since, well, since with him.it was just nice to get away.

God has really revealed so much to me....and its painful but still amazing. i just wish i could be taken seriously by some people and not taking advantage of my heart.

irrelevant

i think this whole situation really has revealed a lot to me.
1. people dont take me seriously
2. im beginning to see who my real friends are(sounds cliche, but ever so true)
3. some guys are plain out relentless!
4.i really like math now..weird
5. and i know what i want.

i'm not that person.

all i have in my mind right now are questions and i really need answers soon. i really feel like everything i had is being taken away from me and i dont think i deserve it. im typically a fighter personality and can get back up when a situation arises and knocks me down...but i feel defeated and want to give up all together. whats the use at this point?
i feel as though the people ive let myself feel vulnerable with are people who do not know what it is to Love someone selflessly.
i used to think that sort of thing existed but maybe i was wrong. maybe i over idealized it all together. maybe love is only conditional but if that were the case why would i love people unconditionally. im still in utter shock of yesterdays events and the one person i chose to go to is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.
i wish i could just turn my emotions off like that and just be cold and indifferent towards him.just like that. i wish i could do that to make him feel unwanted, unloved and useless to me like he is doing to me, like his feelings dont phase me and that i do not care what happens or what we had. but i cant because im human...and im someone who has a heart for people like that. how can you just switch like that..one day being loving and the next indifferent.
i must not be worthy of having some sort of happiness and being loved back..not even by my family.

i am not that girl who feels sorry for herself and in an attempt to not sound mildy melodramatic...i am down really down and life isnt great at the moment. i just want to feel some sort of comfort.


but now today, worst than the rest, i get to figure out something on my own thats bigger than him, bigger than my family...and bigger than myself.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within...

how can one person who has invested themselves fully and whole-heartedly in love for another not be allowed the next day to act upon that?
God gave me these feelings for a reason, what am i supposed to do with them now? bottle them up?
He gave me this heart to share with someone and God is a sovereign God, he wouldnt give me these feelings for no reason.
i wish someone could give me the answers, and tell me that to keep loving isnt foolish.

is it really that hard to appreciate whats in front of you?

if nothing is good enough for you now, it never will be... you will miss out on opportunities that could blossom into something great when given great care, or continue to mistreat it and it will wither away. then one day you will wish you would of handled with care.

first and foremost..happy new year!

last weekend i decided to NOT make any resolutions because if i couldnt keep them then i'd be really hard on myself for that..and i dont need to add that on my list. i decided to make goals for myself...and they are realistic!

i really hope this year is better than the last because it was by far one of the worst years of my life. but there were highlights so dont get me wrong but im defintely excited to see it go. the only thing i learned this year is that im a huge push over with too much of a heart. this year, i want to be treated as i deserve and guard my heart. that is my only goal for this year other than do well in school and have fun, its to guard my heart.

well, thats it for now...