naturally.

all a girl wants is to be pursued. nothing less.
i can not tell you why,but it is truly what a girl wants.
and for some reason, it makes the girl feel beautiful.
i used to think this was bogus, but now i see it.
and i want it.

and the rough week comes to an end.

i've had enough bad surprises this month im ready for a good one, maybe a cute one. im just ready for a good one.

i feel better today than yesterday. i just want something good to happen today so everything else is meaningless and everything else i mean the negative ive encountered this week.

instead of sadness and worry yesterday, i want happiness running through my veins today.

i make no sense. even to myself.

worrying is the worst emotion..and so is insecurites..add a little self doubt..those emotions all suck. they are damaging when mixed together. that right there has explained the last 48 hours for me. im beginning to recover but those emotions really wear me out. im exhausted and i feel like i have finally ran into door. horrible analogy for a dead end but so it goes.

here is the long list plaguing my mind currently:
-i wish i could stop visualizing it. and it i mean the moment where my feelings and honoring me went down the drain.
-i wish the horrible feeling in my stomach would go away whenever the person is mentioned or the above mentioned is thought about again.
-i wish i could stop worrying that the effort will cease and i will be left heartbroken..because for once- i found someone capable of that..and right now i couldnt handle that.
-i wish i could go with my gut instinct all the time knowing that i have myself a great guy who is going to do the above mentioned. and that he isnt going anywhere this time around.
- i wish i could chill the fuck out sometimes.
- i wish my hair would freakin grow already,
-i wish i was a little smarter.
- i wish i had someone to come home to...like a family.
-i wish i could have that sense of family i really long for, the one most people take for granted everyday.
-i wish i worked ONE more shift a week to be able to enjoy life outside the confines of my house.
-i want to hang out with a group of friends without alcohol being present.
-i wish i could have more friends i could trust being around my boyfriend and now they are positive influences on him and us.
-i want to rock climb.
-i want my cat to let me sleep in ..instead of waking me up early.
- iwant to go a day without wanting to slap her, and im thankful for amazing self-control tonight..thank you god!

there are so many more on this, more personal that i have to list but wont.

i am thankful i have charlie. she is so cute but a huge butt!

i wish i could be better with my words so you can understand me better, understand how i tick so you know why i get the way i do.
at this point i want to let it go and i want to be close.

swallow hard.

it's like the game jenga. you build your tower sturdy and do it carefully. each piece is a new piece of info. the next thing you know you have 5, 6, 7 pieces gone..but its alright because you are standing right? all it takes is the wrong piece and the wrong move for you to come crumbling down. it'll take rebuilding and reconstructing in the methodical way..and before you know the resilience is there.
i want to cry but laugh because it is so clearly pathetic. not my part.
i want to hurt them like i have but then i want to be hugged by him.
i want to hate because i am so angry but i want to love because that is what i am good at.

i just want to be hugged against my will and i want it to last.


this will be something hard to swallow...and 5 months is still a cut and this lie is just salt in my wound.

i know why, but i can never put my fingers on how. it’s there, floating around me, but i can’t touch it. it’s not tangible. it’s a constellation that i can admire without feeling the real weight of. i can talk the right talk, but heaven knows i’m struggling to walk the walk. my eyes are open, and they’ll stay that way, but they offer little help. i have the plan but no way to execute it. i have the powder but i’ve long since lost the trigger. in every sense of every word, i have the X, but absolutely no trace of a spot to mark with it. i stumble blindly across the means with only a faint conception of an end, and i have miles to go before i’m through.

for whom it may concern;

for you:
jealousy is that pain.
which​ a man feels​,​ from the appre​hensi​on.​
that he is not equal​ly belov​ed.​
by the perso​n whom he entir​ely loves​.









aside from that tidbit...to love and be loved is the greatest feeling.
and im engrossed in it and im happy. extremely happy.






love.love.love.

this wont be the last you will hear from me today..

but for the moment..i have decided that im beyond happy. i just hope i didnt just jinx myself :)



love.love.love.

to love and to be loved.

i feel like i have so much to say but cant seem to find the right words to formulate my thoughts. my thought, my god, my thoughts are so continuous its almost a burden..to myself and those around me. i live in this little world where my thoughts dictate my actions. normal? i suppose but it feels less normal than the first. i sometimes i feel like im the only person in the world who thinks like i do. or maybe they conceal it better than i do. who knows.
so many things plaque my thoughts. i wish i could go a day without a single doubt or a single worry. that, that would be glorious..but i best keep on dreaming because until the day i wake up to the thought that all is well that will never happen.
to kind of lead off in my last post-something else angers me in relationships..or anyone in that fact.. its PORN or rather any guy or girl provoking lust-like responses.
i get so angry, (which im sure others connect with jealousy..i assure you its not) when i see girls pride themselves with sleazy pictures on their pages or write out sexual inneudos..EVERY guy falls for it. guys, do you really think any self-respecting girl would really lay it all out like that? oh hey heres a picture of me with me in a thong and a belt covering my boobs..NO they wouldnt.. just really insecure girls[more insecure than me] that have massive daddy issues who NEED guys to tell them they are beautiful. whats worse are the guys who gawk at this shit! my god..i read in a magazine that since the age of the internet..divorce rate has gone up! can you believe it? when is a REAL man or woman going to rise above this insedious bullshit and say they are more man or woman enough to not give into this temptation.
a real man and/or woman would see past this and look at there loved with one with pure eyes and a pure mind. that is a real man and/ or woman. ideally, of course.
isnt it more sexy to leave that for imagination? that looking at this is only going to cause mislead ideals, lustrous thoughts and not to mention make that person in your life feel insignificant.


i guess im in a fuck you mood. im confused by intentions. im overwhelmed by my lack of family. im misguided.
and i wish i could have some sort of normalcy.
when am i going to get an ounce of what im giving out? im running on low. and i havent felt that way in a while.


on a good note...im in love with a boy who makes me smile admist all of this :)


peace.love.hope.