keeping this short and rather simple.

1. i love my new house!
2. this is one of the best times of the year
3. my boyfriend is so cute when he coaches. seriously this is no lie haha.
4.im leaving for the east coast on sunday and i cant wait to get out of fresno for a few days.
5. i NEED to join a bible study
6. and most importantly God is truly amazing!

ups and downs.

lets start with positive since my previous posts have been slightly morose.

i made almost 400 dollars in the last two days of work and i still have one more day left of work! im not writing this to brag but rather just rejoice in the fact i can breathe without the stress of money looming over me. God DOES provide and give us only what we need. and im so happy that He loves me.

ive had some issues the last few days of work with a manager due to a complaint made about me. story: regular who is friends with the owner..doesn't respect the fact that i have 9 other tables and as i am taking an order from another table he yells "thirsty". and he keeps yelling it..anyways long story short he texts the owner saying im too slow.. mind you it was a saturday night..and im not only responsible for the bar drinks, i am responsible for server drinks, 11 tables and a 14 chair bartop. so tonight i decided to go to my manager and tell them that i did nothing wrong that night and that i value and take my job seriously , etc.. defintely opened eyes.

moving has to be the worst thing ever to do..time consuming, messy and time consuming.ya thats about if for that subject.

im making some nice girlfriends....and most i dont have anything in common with..so i am back at square one. although i have two i frequently hang out with on a pretty normal basis.

i know i have said this before but honestly id like to be more social. however, i feel as though God has made me become more introverted in the last year so i can get my act together and finish school. sound weird? maybe. but i find myself thinking this more frequently than not.

my cat cant meow..no joke. i have no idea why. but im hoping i can still keep her.

im finding myself struggling with oh so familiar emotions that i have been desperately trying to fight off. i hate that i feel the way i do sometimes or question or even the thoughts i have. why i feel this way and the way i feel about some just astounds me.

im beginning to realize..YES beginning to realize that i am a person who needs acceptance. as we all do, but more me. i feel like its my upbringing and past experiences that make me feel this way...but i very much want that feeling. ugh pathetic i know.

lastly, my relationship is becoming smoother..kinks getting worked out. i am just afraid that i will feel one way and think its al great but behind my back its not..past experiences suck. i need to have a little more faith..

this blog is not only a novel but absolute emotion vomit!

i keep telling myself.."one day" ..and one day it will be better.
and one day ill wake up and this will be worth it. all of it.
ill know the feeling..and feel it.
life is in the details and i will dissect every portion.
and until the "one day" comes, ill bury my compassion until its time to freely give it.

bummed would be an understatement of how i feel, and felt the last 36 hours. i hope it doesnt last much longer.

one fight shouldn't change the effort. things were fine before. one fight shouldn't change that. especially a petty fight, not even worthy of fighting.
i just want to be loved the way i deserve to be loved and i want to love you the way you deserve to be love. only fair. do not be discourage and change the way things were. we moving in the right direction..a better direction. we werent quite there but we were on the way.



on another note, i find people to be so disrespectful of others. i hate seeing it and i wish i could do something about it, but sometimes its better for me to mind my own business.

ive been wanting to go out more lately, be more social. the only time i ever go out is when i go to church or work. sometimes a hang out here and there...but im mostly home studying. i guess i have to deal with this because this is my life as of now. i keep telling me that its worth it and staying on top of my class is as well. plus, the people who go out all the time dont have my course load or my goals. each to their own. sometimes i envy it and want to take the easy road and be lazy. but my future looks better than jeopardizing it now and not having that future. however, i do want to go out a little more.

this time of the year is typically my favorite time of the year but lately im dreading it because im not sure what ill be doing. i love this time of the year and i want someone and some people to share that excitement with me. its looking really bleak.

naturally.

all a girl wants is to be pursued. nothing less.
i can not tell you why,but it is truly what a girl wants.
and for some reason, it makes the girl feel beautiful.
i used to think this was bogus, but now i see it.
and i want it.

and the rough week comes to an end.

i've had enough bad surprises this month im ready for a good one, maybe a cute one. im just ready for a good one.

i feel better today than yesterday. i just want something good to happen today so everything else is meaningless and everything else i mean the negative ive encountered this week.

instead of sadness and worry yesterday, i want happiness running through my veins today.

i make no sense. even to myself.

worrying is the worst emotion..and so is insecurites..add a little self doubt..those emotions all suck. they are damaging when mixed together. that right there has explained the last 48 hours for me. im beginning to recover but those emotions really wear me out. im exhausted and i feel like i have finally ran into door. horrible analogy for a dead end but so it goes.

here is the long list plaguing my mind currently:
-i wish i could stop visualizing it. and it i mean the moment where my feelings and honoring me went down the drain.
-i wish the horrible feeling in my stomach would go away whenever the person is mentioned or the above mentioned is thought about again.
-i wish i could stop worrying that the effort will cease and i will be left heartbroken..because for once- i found someone capable of that..and right now i couldnt handle that.
-i wish i could go with my gut instinct all the time knowing that i have myself a great guy who is going to do the above mentioned. and that he isnt going anywhere this time around.
- i wish i could chill the fuck out sometimes.
- i wish my hair would freakin grow already,
-i wish i was a little smarter.
- i wish i had someone to come home to...like a family.
-i wish i could have that sense of family i really long for, the one most people take for granted everyday.
-i wish i worked ONE more shift a week to be able to enjoy life outside the confines of my house.
-i want to hang out with a group of friends without alcohol being present.
-i wish i could have more friends i could trust being around my boyfriend and now they are positive influences on him and us.
-i want to rock climb.
-i want my cat to let me sleep in ..instead of waking me up early.
- iwant to go a day without wanting to slap her, and im thankful for amazing self-control tonight..thank you god!

there are so many more on this, more personal that i have to list but wont.

i am thankful i have charlie. she is so cute but a huge butt!

i wish i could be better with my words so you can understand me better, understand how i tick so you know why i get the way i do.
at this point i want to let it go and i want to be close.

swallow hard.

it's like the game jenga. you build your tower sturdy and do it carefully. each piece is a new piece of info. the next thing you know you have 5, 6, 7 pieces gone..but its alright because you are standing right? all it takes is the wrong piece and the wrong move for you to come crumbling down. it'll take rebuilding and reconstructing in the methodical way..and before you know the resilience is there.
i want to cry but laugh because it is so clearly pathetic. not my part.
i want to hurt them like i have but then i want to be hugged by him.
i want to hate because i am so angry but i want to love because that is what i am good at.

i just want to be hugged against my will and i want it to last.


this will be something hard to swallow...and 5 months is still a cut and this lie is just salt in my wound.

i know why, but i can never put my fingers on how. it’s there, floating around me, but i can’t touch it. it’s not tangible. it’s a constellation that i can admire without feeling the real weight of. i can talk the right talk, but heaven knows i’m struggling to walk the walk. my eyes are open, and they’ll stay that way, but they offer little help. i have the plan but no way to execute it. i have the powder but i’ve long since lost the trigger. in every sense of every word, i have the X, but absolutely no trace of a spot to mark with it. i stumble blindly across the means with only a faint conception of an end, and i have miles to go before i’m through.

for whom it may concern;

for you:
jealousy is that pain.
which​ a man feels​,​ from the appre​hensi​on.​
that he is not equal​ly belov​ed.​
by the perso​n whom he entir​ely loves​.









aside from that tidbit...to love and be loved is the greatest feeling.
and im engrossed in it and im happy. extremely happy.






love.love.love.

this wont be the last you will hear from me today..

but for the moment..i have decided that im beyond happy. i just hope i didnt just jinx myself :)



love.love.love.

to love and to be loved.

i feel like i have so much to say but cant seem to find the right words to formulate my thoughts. my thought, my god, my thoughts are so continuous its almost a burden..to myself and those around me. i live in this little world where my thoughts dictate my actions. normal? i suppose but it feels less normal than the first. i sometimes i feel like im the only person in the world who thinks like i do. or maybe they conceal it better than i do. who knows.
so many things plaque my thoughts. i wish i could go a day without a single doubt or a single worry. that, that would be glorious..but i best keep on dreaming because until the day i wake up to the thought that all is well that will never happen.
to kind of lead off in my last post-something else angers me in relationships..or anyone in that fact.. its PORN or rather any guy or girl provoking lust-like responses.
i get so angry, (which im sure others connect with jealousy..i assure you its not) when i see girls pride themselves with sleazy pictures on their pages or write out sexual inneudos..EVERY guy falls for it. guys, do you really think any self-respecting girl would really lay it all out like that? oh hey heres a picture of me with me in a thong and a belt covering my boobs..NO they wouldnt.. just really insecure girls[more insecure than me] that have massive daddy issues who NEED guys to tell them they are beautiful. whats worse are the guys who gawk at this shit! my god..i read in a magazine that since the age of the internet..divorce rate has gone up! can you believe it? when is a REAL man or woman going to rise above this insedious bullshit and say they are more man or woman enough to not give into this temptation.
a real man and/or woman would see past this and look at there loved with one with pure eyes and a pure mind. that is a real man and/ or woman. ideally, of course.
isnt it more sexy to leave that for imagination? that looking at this is only going to cause mislead ideals, lustrous thoughts and not to mention make that person in your life feel insignificant.


i guess im in a fuck you mood. im confused by intentions. im overwhelmed by my lack of family. im misguided.
and i wish i could have some sort of normalcy.
when am i going to get an ounce of what im giving out? im running on low. and i havent felt that way in a while.


on a good note...im in love with a boy who makes me smile admist all of this :)


peace.love.hope.

chances...

i dont think there can be change without progress. change in heart, change in motive, and change in intentions. without that...nothing will occur. i firmly believe the internet has become part of the decline in successful relationships. how easy is it for a guy to lust over a girl, talk to her and any other form of communication now? so easy! i hate this. i hate cheaters. i hate hearing about and i hate seeing it.
story:
a friend dates this guy. they have a few problems. they work it out. yet while my friend thinks things are golden he is talking to girls online, lusting after their pictures, lying about it when asked. then bam...it leads to wondering minds and a girl with low self worth and esteem because she feels she isnt good enough to keep a guy monogamous.

i wish i never have to witness this. its horrible and should never be like this. honesty should always be the policy. not wondering minds. before you go out and check out the opposite sex, think about what it does to the person you "love" mentally. its not great and completely unfair.

everyone deserves to be loved and be THE ONLY ONE catching your eye.
good thing i have something concrete and honest...and i hope i never have to go through this.


love.love.love.

useless post...but.

i love charlie more than anything in the whole wide world. she makes me so freakin happy, going home to a ninja kitty every night who loves to snuggle 24/7 is so amazing.



love.love.love.

...

the thing i hate the most about growing up is growing up to find this world is not a safe place, and honesty is hard to find.
i wish i could have that innocence back. seeing the world through those eyes again would be a beautiful relief right about now.
in a world where people dont intentionally hurt the ones they "love". the most hurt you would inflict is not hanging out with someone for recess but then the next morning its all back to normal. i miss that.
how can you "love" someone if you are continually hurting them....there comes a time where its not intentional does not fly and it become subconscious. but whose fault is that but your own if you continue to let it happen.



im tired of being talked down to..im tired of being mistreated...im tired of not getting what i deserve, which i believe is the world.
im a good person and i deserve this.


i just want to feel safety.comfort. security....all at the end of the day..all this knowing that im not alone. and this world isnt such a cold dark place.

but in light, i have some sort of warmth..knowing that we're golden.




hope.hope.hope.

xerox copies.

what will it take for some originality around here. original people NOT trying to mold into some scene or better yet being carbon copies of others!!! BE YOURSELF!
i need some sort of excitement around, im going to pull my hair out.
everything the same...bar this, bar there..is there something else to do in fresno that doesnt involve a bar?!
does drinking really make friends? maybe im coming across quasi-judgemental but how can you form the fundamental basis of a lasting friendship at .... a bar?!
that is the rant of the day...next post will hopefully be less negative haha!
i just want something more than this bar scene...there is much more i am sure of it!


love.love.love. [you know, the original one ;)]

keep this on the back of your mind.

...and sometimes you realize silver is just gray on really good day.






love.love.love.

without the risk of being let go, being held means nothing.

..and then, as if the constant power struggle weren’t enough on it’s own, we had made decisions that had push us back even further. decisions that leave us out in the cold when we both know what kind of warmth we’re missing on the inside. to me, there’s more to you than the eye meets but i can’t and probably will never be able to fully drop the guard i keep so well preserved. well for now, im a work in progress its a goal im trying to reach so desperately. you tell me to fold but trust me, this is a good hand.. i was born with a cloudy head but perfect vision, and i know everything there is to know about just a few things. while you tell me to forget it all, i am quite apprehensive yet i know youre it.through this all, this is what i want. new. new for us. i learn that you’re one of the few things i know everything about. now you should fold. because i’m all in.
im taking these moments as an opportunity, not to make you mine,
but to make myself
yours. im yours. :)

i will love you regardless of what you do.
until you do it.
to me.


i am hopeful, for the first time in months.
you're making me incredibly happy. its nice to have more good days then bad.
doubt you read this; but if you do.... i love you.



love.love.love.

...

i found some sketchbooks[ from freshman year of high school, good god!] going through boxes today and i found this...needless to say i aced honors english and that was by far my favorite project of high school with the exception of my painting and piano class.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."




so im pretty sure ray lamontagne has the beautiful and unique voice in the whole wide world...a little raspy but his lyrics are beautiful and sometimes romantic, most of the time not..regardless,he is fun to listen to.




love.love.love.

alright!

for this real this time...im going to do this. i failed, so madly! oh man!
a few other improvements i want to add to the list..:
not being so gullible! meaning NOT hanging on to every word.

today a friend sat me down and told me that although its good to work on these, its who i am..a caring person who always puts others first. it just makes me prone to being a door mat.

i just wish i could somehow juggle it...i am just a sensitive person......and i HATE it!


lighter note...moving and organizing this weekend..plus my sisters are coming into town which is most defintely needed. i miss my family so much already and its been a week.



love.love.love.

Day#1...slightly unsuccessful.

i'm hurt. i know i say i was on the quest to take things less seriously and it was sort of that way but i did hit a few bumps on the way. i am way to over-protective of people, but i need to learn to let things come as they may..as well learn to be more protective of myself. i let myself be vulnerable and because i do that-i get hurt. today, i woke up in a sad mood. i just have to say grief works in mysterious ways. i just wish i had a room of my own to just lock myself in and be me. instead, im stuck on a couch...my car stuffed with my life and a storage full of crap. school starts in a week and i am in no way ready to start and be so unorganized.


love.love.love

Tomorrow, or Today Technically.

I am WAY to freakin serious all the time.
i need to let loose, or some would say "let your hair down".
i need to find a balance between being serious yet still not taking EVERYTHING too seriously.
i am 21 years old, i need to laugh more, experience more...i need to be young and not so adult like.
i am extremely too responsible, to a fault!.

therefore, tomorrow or today technically is day #1 of being "less" serious and enjoy more.
more to come, i suppose.





love.love.love.

ugh!

i officially moved back to Clovis as of today....i didnt think i was going to be this sad about leaving orange county. it was so hard to leave my little sisters and my mom. it was the first time i allowed myself to cry in front of my sisters. now i just want to hurry up and be done with nursing school so i can be with them again. i hate this.

im slowly feeling the grief of losing him, its so weird. i just wish it could be this overwhelming wave and be done..instead its slow.





love.love.love.

time.

its been almost a month since he left and i havent been able to shed a tear. am i horrible? i am so angry that i cant..i am angry with myself because i feel selfish. does this make sense? most likely not i am sure.i feel like this anger is affecting my life outside of my mind. affecting the people i am close too. i just want to feel something other than anger. i want to cry. weird as that sounds, i want to cry.

p.s shark week is the shit.






love.love.love.

Dark Knight pt2

I know my last post i ranted about the Dark Knight crowd, but thanks to them the Cheesecake Factory was crowded which means thanks to this movie i too was able to reap the benefits and make some money. So THANK YOU!

on a lighter note, i am so very happy my boyfriend, who had neglected me for over a month for Europe, is FINALLY returning tonight. I wont be cuddle deprived any longer. I am just not looking forward to my phone bill, eeeeeeek!

I am moving soon, and its coming up alot faster than i thought it would. I just wish the roommate situation with my upcoming roommate will get settled soon so i can get situated.

ok, thats all..ive got to get MY shit together and get some errands done before tonight!





love.love.love.

wow.

it simply amazes me, the human race that is. i love getting cut off right before pulling into the parking structure for work from some Dark Knight crazed individual who sadly tried to mock the jokers face with his incredulous face paint. wow. this all taking place at 10am! mind you this movie doesnt start til 12:45 am and as im writing this it is barely 11pm! walking into work and seeing the lines of people already forming just surprises me!! these people have waited 12 hours for a movie sitting in almost 90 degree weather on concrete for a movie. only in irvine would you see these kids dressed up in costume sitting on the sidewalk sipping on their venti carmel macchiatos while surfing the net on their macbooks. all this in a line for a movie!!!! wow. it must be nice to not have a life and have this sort of leisure. scratch that, ill make that 12 hour slot useful, go to the beach and go see the movie in 2 days when the attendance rate will decrease significantly!

really, i am amazed.





love.love.love.

on repeat, repeat, repeat.

love.love.love.

trust.

trust is such a dynamic term. everyone wants trust but how many people actually take the neccessary steps in order to obtain trust from another? i firmly believe trust is not expected, its earned. i think its easier to learn to trust someone new because there is almost an innocence until proven wrong sort of thing. i hate having my trust broken, its one of the most damning feelings i could have. its like someone knocking the wind out of you. first you lose the trust, try to gain it back but then there is that looming doubt in the back of your mind. i don't want that, but i do have it-its sickening. i hate feeling like this. i get it in spurts and tonight its overwhelming. how do i shake this?
i suppose this is it for now.
hopefully tomorrow ill feel better.




love.love.love.

I'm back.

So i've decided once more to roll this out. I just found this and luckily remembered passwords,etc. shocking i must say. I figured this will be the best way you all can know whats going on this brain of mine and with my impending move this will be provide the communication i once had ...and considering its 130am..i have absolutely nothing to contribute that has really anything of substance. haha.


Goodnight.